Sins of the Father
by Cats070911
Summary: When his son sees Tommy with a woman who is not his mother, his actions set off a chain of life-changing experiences for the whole family.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** all usual disclaimers apply. This one may be a little painful for some. I apologise for that in advance.

* * *

The knock on the drawing room door was tentative. Barbara frowned as she took off her reading glasses and looked up from the papers she was reading about the upcoming charity ball. Who knocks inside the house? "Come in."

"Mum?"

Barbara instantly saw the pain in her son's eyes. "James! What's wrong?"

Her son walked slowly into the room. Two weeks shy of eighteen, James Lynley was tall and lean. His school uniform was getting too short in the arms but with only seven weeks until his final A levels, Barbara had decided not to buy a new one. He did not look at her as he brushed a lock of dark, wavy hair from his face. "Mum, I have to tell you something."

Barbara stood and walked over to her eldest son. She wanted to embrace him but he had been resentful of that lately as he tested out his impending manhood. He had always been a sensitive boy with a much wider range of emotions than her second son, Matthew, who was always happy as long as he had food and his football team was winning, or young Eden who was irrepressibly happy most of the time. James was the academic one. He was a thinker, like his father, and wanted to follow him to read History at Oxford. He was consistently in the top three in all his classes and passionate about causes such as climate change and animal welfare. She had learnt to respect his decision to be a vegan because of his beliefs and was glad she had capitulated years ago to Tommy's suggestion to employ Mrs Sonners, their full-time housekeeper.

"You can tell me anything James, you know that." She smiled hoping it would help him relax.

"Not this," he said sadly. "Sit down Mum."

As Barbara sat she wondered what could be so bad. Her son was trying hard to appear manly and in control of the situation but she could see that whatever it was bothering him was tearing him apart. He had seemed content this morning when he had left for school. She was puzzled at what could have happened to change everything. She knew he had a girlfriend, Michaela, and suddenly thought maybe they had been careless. Well, it was not the end of the world even if it felt like that to a teenager. "What is it, James? Did something happen at school?"

"No…it's Dad."

Barbara felt the blood drain from her face until she realised the police and not her son would be delivering any bad news. "What about Dad?" she said as evenly as she could.

James sat next to her on the dark leather Chesterfield. "He's having an affair."

Barbara gasped. Her first instinct was denial. "No!"

James took her hand. "I saw him today when I was coming back from choir practice at St Pauls. I took photos."

"You took photos?" she asked vaguely.

"I had my phone out because we came past the theatre were Catherine and The Wombats are playing. I thought I might get a photo of them but then I saw Dad at the side of the theatre. I'm sorry Mum, but you need to know. He's been lying to us!"

Barbara took a deep breath. She could not believe Tommy would cheat on her. They had been happy together for nearly twenty years, or at least she had thought so. "Show me."

James fumbled with his phone. Barbara could see his hand shaking. He passed her the phone. "Flick forward from here. There are three of them."

The picture stabbed her heart. Tommy had his arm draped over the shoulder of a young, buxom brunette just the way he used to do with her. In the first photo, he was looking at her and away from the camera. Her thumb swiped the screen. His arm was still around Ms. Busty in the second and he was talking. Barbara could almost hear him. In the third she could see his eyes as he looked at the woman. She was relieved to see they were neutral. Tommy was not looking at the woman with that same loving expression he still had when he looked at her. If he was sleeping with her at least he did not seem to be in love with her. "This doesn't prove he's having an affair, James."

"He's got his arm around another woman. How can you say it's not an affair? To even touch someone else Mum! It's disloyal."

Barbara thought back to the many times Tommy had draped his arm around her while he had still been married to Helen. They had not been having an affair and it had not seemed disloyal but they had shared a bond, a form of unnamed love, even then. Tommy clearly had some relationship with this woman and Barbara could not help but feel betrayed. "There'll be a logical explanation," she said flatly.

"An excuse! A lie! How can you sit there and defend him?"

She looked up at her son. A tear ran down her cheek. It was more for his loss of innocence than Tommy's behaviour. She was angrier with her husband about what he was doing to their son than to her. Adolescence was hard enough without finding out the father he worshipped was really just a man. "Because we don't know the full story…and because I love him."

"You could forgive him? For having an affair? For betraying you?" James stood up and strode furiously across the room. He ran his hand despairing through his hair and tilted his head up to the ceiling. Watching James now was like watching a young Tommy. He had the same brooding temper and uncompromising view of the world. She almost expected him to walk to the cabinet and pour himself a large Scotch.

"James, don't torture yourself. I know this has hurt you but you have to be fair to your father. We have to hear his side."

"No, we don't. A picture is worth a thousand words. He was touching another woman! He's nothing but a hypocritical, self-aggrandising bastard!"

"James, enough! He's your father and he loves you, Matt and Eden, more than anything in the world."

"Including you obviously. I always thought you two had something special; something unbreakable; something I aspired to when I get married. But what if I'm the same as him? You're always saying how alike we are. What if I can't love someone enough to be true to them? I don't want to be shallow and lonely Mum. I want what I thought you had."

"Oh James, come here."

Her son came and fell on his knees at her feet and buried his head in her lap. As she held him and stroked his head. She could feel him trying to stifle a sob. She remembered clearly the day when he had first understood that he would be the Ninth Earl of Asherton. His father had proudly shown him around Howenstowe and explained his responsibilities and James had stood proud until his father had gone outside. He had run to his room and cried until Barbara found him. She remembered the scared look in his eyes and his faltering five-year-old voice asking if his parents were going to die and leave him. She could have strangled Tommy then but tonight she wanted to kill him far more slowly and painfully for what he had done to her firstborn.

"I'm sorry," James said pulling himself up next to her. "I wanted to be strong for you and I end up blubbing like a seven-year-old."

She ruffled his hair and ran her thumb across his tear-stained cheek. "I hope you'll always need your mother. We'll be fine James. It took enormous courage to come and tell me. You're a fine young man and I'm very proud of you. We can speak to Dad when he gets back with the boys from football practice but you have to let me speak to him first. This is something between us primarily."

Her son nodded earnestly. "Yes, I understand. I should ring and apologise to Michaela. I was pretty rude to her."

"She was with you?" Barbara grimaced. She liked the girl but she was very quick to spread gossip. She imagined the story had probably gone right around the senior year of the Westminster School already.

"No, but we had a fight afterwards. Not about Dad. I told her I had been a fool to ever think I could have a meaningful relationship with her."

Barbara closed her eyes and searched for the right wisdom. "Oh, James. Words are hard to take back. They wound us more effectively than a gun at times and little slights can chip away at even the best relationships. Go and ring her and if she won't talk to you I'll drive you over to her place when your Dad gets home. Go on, and no matter how upset you are because of Dad, Michaela is innocent and didn't deserve to be the brunt of that. I think you've probably hurt her badly."

James nodded solemnly. "I know Mum; it only makes me feel worse."

"Then go and fix it."

"How can I make it up to her?"

"Start by being honest. If she loves you she'll understand but then you have to work hard to make her feel loved."

James kissed his mother then hurried from the room. Barbara put her elbows on her knees and ran her hands through her hair. Her simple life had suddenly become excruciatingly complicated.

* * *

"Grab your socks, Eden, there's the boy." Tommy shrugged at Matt while his youngest son rummaged in the bottom of the Range Rover for his missing sock. He missed his old car at times but the Rover was more practical for a family of three rambunctious teenage boys.

"Ta da!" his youngest said holding up the sock.

"Right you two showers then dinner." He watched the boys race up the stairs then took their dirty soccer gear through to the laundry. He grabbed two beers from the fridge on his way through the kitchen and went to find Barbara.

"Eden scored a goal tonight. You should have seen him weave in…Barbara? What's wrong?" His wife was sitting forlornly on the Chesterfield. She looked older and tired. He could tell instantly something was wrong. He put the beers on the coffee table and sat down next to her.

Barbara did not know how to broach the subject but when he put his arm around her shoulders she snapped. "Don't. Do. That!" She stood and walked to the window.

Tommy was confused. When he had left two hours ago she had kissed him lovingly and now she was clearly livid with him. "I don't understand. What's happened?"

"You were careless and James saw you. He's devastated and he broke up with Michaela because of it. His world has come crashing down around him and it's only a fortnight until his birthday and a few weeks until his exams. Your timing is perfectly selfish Lord Asherton."

"Barbara, slow down. I don't understand any of this."

Barbara tossed him James phone, still open at the pictures. Tommy looked and groaned. "James took these?"

"Yes. He was coming back from choir practice at St Pauls. You know how much he likes Catherine and those bloody Wombats! How could you Tommy? And there of all places?"

"Me? No, no Barbara it's not like that. I was just happy."

"I can see that."

"No, listen. The woman is Catherine's girlfriend. I had just got her to agree to the band playing at James' eighteenth birthday party. We talked about hiring a band and well, I decided to try for the band he likes most."

Barbara wanted to believe him. His eyes were open and had the same pain she had seen in her son's but even so she felt betrayed. "You kept that to yourself," she said bitterly. "I didn't think we had secrets. Seems I was wrong."

Tommy bristled under the accusation. "That's not fair Barbara. I wanted it to be a surprise for both of you." When the photo had been taken he had just arranged for Barbara and James to sing with the band onstage. They both had great voices and often sang the Wombat's songs together over breakfast. He thought it would be a lovely surprise for both of them.

He walked over and tried to embrace his wife. She stood rigidly. "Barbara, I'd never do anything like that to you. It was innocent, harmless. I don't want anyone else. I love you, more than I did when we were married. You and the boys mean everything to me."

"Really? You know what hurts most?"

"No."

"That I don't know anymore. I never thought you'd cheat but maybe...We used to be close. Even when I gave up work to bring up the boys, you used to come home and talk about cases, get my opinions, let me help you solve them. Lately, though you never talk about work. Our entire lives revolve around the boys but even so I thought we were happy but we've drifted apart haven't we?"

Tommy ran his hand through his hair. He needed a drink, something stronger than the beer on the table. "No, we haven't. We...just talk about different things."

"Yes, like school fees and charities and the estate and of course the boys. But when do we talk about things that matter?"

"The boys matter," he snapped.

"Yes, they do but so should we. We've become two friendly people living in the same house instead of a couple. Even in bed it's not the same."

Tommy started to feel he was been accused of far more than an affair. He tried hard to be successful at work and still make time for his family. He deliberately did not to burden Barbara with his troubles so he could be the husband she needed. He was exhausted and it had probably been apparent. He knew himself his libido had been nearly non-existent since he had been promoted to Assistant Commissioner. Now it felt as if she blamed him for feeling unfulfilled. He was too but not because of Barbara. He needed her and he loved her. "I need a drink!"

Barbara glared at him. "Ah yes, always the Scotch bottle when times get tough. That's never changed."

Tommy shot his angriest look at her. She was being unreasonable and he could sense a fight brewing, one he needed too but did not want. "That's unfair and you know it. I don't drink much and certainly not like that." He drained his glass and poured another.

"Instead of wallowing in self-pity you should be up talking to your son."

Tommy wheeled on her. "I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I'm trying to save my marriage because you seem to have a lot of resentments you've never mentioned." Tommy found it hard to stay angry when he wanted Barbara in his arms so they could console each other. "I'm sorry you're unhappy but we can work it all out. I love you, Barbara."

Barbara could hear the anguish in his voice. Part of her wanted to inflict more and it fought with the part of her who wanted to comfort him. "I know," she said in a conciliatory tone, "I wasn't unhappy but this made me see that our relationship is not what it was, not what either of us want but I can't even think about that knowing James is so upset. If you had seen how much it hurt him to see you like that. He was brave telling me but you've no idea how much it cost him. He idolised you and now he thinks everything about you is fraudulent. What are you going to tell him?"

"That he was wrong and I'm not having an affair."

"That's it? He won't believe you."

"He should accept my word as a gentleman."

"Oh for pity's sake Tommy! Your word means nothing to him now. He thinks you're a liar and a hypocrite. Do you think 'sorry you must have misunderstood' is going to cut it with an eighteen-year-old?"

"I can't tell him the truth. It'd spoil the surprise."

"Tommy, the way he feels now, he won't even go to his party."

"Of course, he will. This will blow over."

"Like it did with you and your mother?"

Tommy's anger flared. "Low blow Countess! That was different and you know it."

"How?" she yelled back.

"I haven't had an affair. I've done nothing wrong. And my wife isn't dying of cancer."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for my health to impede your conscience. I'll go out and try to die shall I? See if that makes you understand."

"Don't be stupid, Barbara!"

"Wake up, Tommy. How did you feel when you saw your mother in Trenarrow's arms? Yes, exactly. That's how James feels now. Only you can fix this. I am not going to have my son estranged from his family, from me for years. I'd rather never see you again than lose my son. Go up and talk to him."

"I see. You love the boys more than me." Tommy felt as if all the air in the room had suddenly been taken away. He loved his boys and would do anything to protect them but Barbara was his life. He could not survive without her love.

Barbara's eyes were brimmed with unshed tears. "No, not more, just differently. But don't force me to choose Tommy."

He shook his head. How quickly life could change. "I'll talk to him but I don't know what to say. Maybe I should try 'I know how you feel because Granny had an affair when I was your age'? That'd make him feel better wouldn't it!"

Barbara ignored his sarcasm. "If you have to, yes. The longer it goes the harder it is to repair. You have to connect with him and convince him, Tommy."

Tommy nodded. He knew she was right about that. He asked the question he dreaded having answered. "Do you believe me?"

Barbara took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I know you don't love her. I could see that in your eyes but did you sleep with her? I like to think you didn't...but...it hurt Tommy. It really hurt me to see you like that with someone else. I've never seen you do that to anyone but me or the boys. I thought...it meant something special."

Tommy walked over and put his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. One hand cradled her head. "I know. And with you, it does. It always did, going right back to the beginning. I'm so, so sorry. I love you, Barbara."

Barbara did not return his embrace. "Then go and make peace with our son."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note:** thanks for your feedback. Silvergirl, I have fixed my error, thank you. Also, I was informed there is another Lynley story from a few years ago with a similar title. This was a coincidental and unintended oversight on my part as I do not usually scroll through first to check titles but I might in future.

* * *

As Tommy climbed the stairs, he wished it was Matt he needed to confront. His second son was much more robust than his eldest. Not only did he look like Barbara with his red hair and stockier build but he had her straight-talking street sense. Matt was a pragmatist whereas James was more of a romantic, carried away with lofty ideals and often unrealistic notions of how people should behave. Matt took what came at him and dealt with it.

Tommy smiled thinking about their father-son talks. With his eldest it had been awkward as James had been more interested in trying to understand how you knew if you were in love. Matt had only wanted to know the mechanics of it all. So it had not surprised him two months ago when Matt had come to him just before his sixteenth birthday to tell him that as soon as he was of age, he intended to start sleeping with his girlfriend and wanted to know how to use a condom correctly. What had shocked him though was that Matt had told him he loved his girlfriend, who was also a virgin, and so wanted to make it special for her too. There was no debate or uncertainty. He openly asked for suggestions as to how he could make love so that she enjoyed it. It had been an easy conversation, and Tommy had been proud of his son.

He was proud of James too. He was smart and had good prospects for his future. He wanted to be an academic and had told Tommy how he could work his love of medieval history around his duties as Earl when the time arose. Even though they got on well, James had always been harder for him to relate to than the other boys, possibly because they were, in many ways, so similar. James had inherited many of the traits Tommy most hated in himself which probably explained why Barbara and James were close. He loved all his sons dearly, but he related best to Matt, who shared so many of Barbara's characteristics. James adored his mother and Tommy knew how much it would have affected his son to see him with another woman. He did not want James to hate him and dreaded the following conversation.

"James," he said as knocked on his son's door, "we need to talk."

There was no answer, so he opened the door and went in. His son was lying on his bed staring blankly at the ceiling. He made no attempt to look at Tommy, who glanced around the room. Everything was neat and correctly ordered. James had no posters on his wall, only black framed photos of the family and Michaela beside his framed academic awards. His son's tennis trophies were on the shelf above an antique, roll-top desk. One of the suits of armour from Howenstowe that had belonged to an early Lynley, well before they were aristocrats, stood proudly in the corner beside a bookshelf crammed with books on the Middle Ages.

Tommy sat on the bed beside his son. "Mum told me what happened."

"I know. The whole of Belgravia probably heard you."

Tommy felt his face flush. He had not meant for his sons to hear them arguing. He handed James' phone to him. "I'm not having an affair, James. It was a stupid thing to do, but it was just a friendly gesture. I have never been unfaithful to your mother. I'd give my life to keep her, or any of you, safe and I'm truly sorry that I've hurt you both."

James lifted himself onto his elbows. "That's it I suppose. I'm expected to believe you and forget what I saw. Well, I can't Dad. You have no idea how everything just...died. It was like my whole life was a lie; as if the world stopped and I was being thrown off."

Tommy reached out to his son and put his hand on his shoulder. "No, I don't expect you just to accept it. The woman you saw had helped me, and I was grateful. I gave her a friendly shoulder hug because I was happy. It was an error of judgement, but it meant nothing. It wasn't sexual in any way."

"You've been fighting more lately. We've all heard you. Mum's lost her spark, and you're hugging other women. What am I supposed to think?"

Tommy looked at his feet. He did not believe they were arguing more, but they probably weren't hiding it the way they had when the children were small. It was hard to explain that the bickering was part of who they were as a couple, one of the ways they worked through issues. And he certainly could not tell his son how loving they were afterwards.

"What do you want me to do James? I can't undo what you saw. I can only put it into context for you and assure nothing happened. I love your mother more than life itself. Our arguments aren't what you think. I just want you to understand."

James sat up and pushed past his father. He walked across the room and sank into his high, leather desk chair. "No Dad. I want you to understand. I thought you were everything I wanted to be - kind, loving, loyal - but I don't know you do I? I just have some childish image of my great dad. But you have feet of clay, and that hurts. It hurts like hell because I don't know if I can trust you anymore."

"James, I've always tried my best to be a good husband and father, but I'm human. I make mistakes. If you knew how many times in my life I've made poor choices, you'd think I was a complete fool. Without your mother to keep me sane and balanced I'd be lost."

"This afternoon I hated you. When I saw Mum's face as she looked at those photos, I wanted to kill you."

Tommy straightened up. He had heard from so many of his friends about moments where sons challenge their fathers. "I would have hated me too."

"Stop being reasonable. I wanted to hate you, but I ended up hating myself."

Tommy watched his son carefully. "Because you told your mother or because you thought it was your fault?"

"Because of the way it made me feel. I was angry and took that out on Michaela, and now she won't talk to me. I wanted revenge. I wanted to out you, to shame you and instead, all I did was hurt Mum. It didn't make me feel any better. What if I'm responsible for you getting divorced and being miserable? How do I live with that when I could have said nothing and everyone would have been fine?"

"Except you. It would have eaten away at you."

"Better to ruin my life than everyone else's. "

"No James, you can't take on everybody's burdens. You made the right choice. Your mum and I will be okay. We always are. It might just take us a little while this time but we love each other, and that won't change."

"You've never faced that choice. How do you know what I did was right? It doesn't feel correct."

"Can I tell you a story?" James shrugged. "When I was your age my father was dying. Everyone was upset of course. I was in the garden because I needed time to think. At seventeen I wasn't ready to lose him. I loved him, and I was too young to become Earl. I looked up and saw my mother in the window embracing someone. I ran inside thinking it was my father. I raced into the room and found her kissing the doctor. When you said it felt like the world had stopped and thrown you off, that was exactly how I felt. I tore from the room and went and hid. Mother never found me, and I thought she hadn't looked, but she had."

"Granny!" James looked mortified. "Was unfaithful?"

"Yes, she hadn't slept with him then, but yes, in a way she was."

"Oh, Dad!"

"I'm sorry to give her feet of clay too James, but I want you to understand that we're all human." He watched his son carefully as he continued his story. "While I was alone, I vowed I would leave and never return. So I went and said goodbye to my father. I couldn't tell him why. I made an excuse about school and said I would see him next week, but we both knew I wouldn't. He died the next day, without me there."

James came and sat next to his father. "She was actually kissing him?"

"Passionately. I felt guilty for finding Mother, guilty that my father died and I wasn't there, guilty about everything. I turned that into hatred of her and worse still I loathed myself. We barely spoke for seventeen years. In all that time she stayed with the doctor. He repeatedly asked to marry her, but she refused because of my reaction. I stopped her from being happy. When we finally started to see each other when I was going to be married to my first wife, I realised I had been selfish. I forgave her, and told her she should marry him."

"But she didn't, did she?"

"No, he died soon afterwards."

"But she was still wrong Dad."

"Was she? Mother loved my father, but she needed to feel loved. I can understand that because I spent the next twenty years searching for the same thing. I never found peace until I was with your mother. Love is not always black and white. Anyway, the point was that I do know how you felt. I ran away from it, but you were able to confront it, to sort it out before it festered for everyone. It was a very mature choice, and I'm proud of you James."

"But I hurt Mum!"

Tommy put his arm around his son. "No, I did. I never meant to, but I did, and it's up to me to fix that. You're not responsible for our relationship or our happiness."

"But if you..."

"We won't. Now, what about Michaela?"

James leant forward and ran his hands through his hair. "She won't talk to me."

Tommy could feel the boy's confused anguish. "Maybe if we drive over to her house she will understand you are sorry."

His son looked up hopefully. "Do you think it will work?"

"I think she'll see you, but then it's up to you. You have to explain what happened and convince her that you love her."

"Do I Dad? Matt's so sure with Jenny but how do I know Michaela is right for me?"

"You don't have to know. You can be in love with many women before you find the one you want to spend your life with but if you wait until you're sure, you might miss her. And how will you know if you've never had anyone to compare it with?"

"How did you know with Mum? Because it was the same as your first wife?"

Tommy laughed. "No, it was very different. Your mother and I worked together for years. We were close. We understood each other, balanced out each other's foibles. Then one day I looked over at her, and she smiled. There was nothing different to many other smiles over the years, but I suddenly knew I was in love with her. I had been for a very long time without even knowing it. She'd known for years that she loved me, but she'd never let on."

"She loved you, even though you were married?"

"You can't choose who and when you fall in love. She never let on. She was loyal to Helen and me."

"So what happened?"

"That night I asked her around here for dinner. I can't even remember the excuse I used. I was scared James, in case I was wrong about how she felt, but as we shared a joke in the kitchen, I kissed her. It turned quite fiery but for the first time since I was that scared seventeen-year-old, I felt at peace. I'm not giving that up James. It's worth fighting for."

"Did you sleep with her? That first night?"

Tommy wondered how much he should tell his son. "Yes, we were both adults and we knew, from that first kiss, that we were going to spend our lives together."

James nodded but Tommy could see he had something more on his mind. "What son?" he asked tenderly.

"You always said I was a month premature, but I wasn't was I?"

Tommy grinned at his son. "No, you weren't. You were conceived out of love. I had proposed before we did anything. I didn't marry your mother to be honourable; I married her because I loved her."

James smiled genuinely and with the eyes of an adult. "We should buy flowers. Can we get flowers so late?"

* * *

Tommy watched his son take a nervous breath then ring the doorbell. Michaela's mother answered. "James! Hello, Tommy. Come in."

"I need to see Michaela, Mrs. Smythe. I said things to hurt her, and she won't talk to me, but I want to make it right. I don't want her to go to bed believing what I said."

"I won't force her James, but I will tell her you're here."

Felicity Smythe left the room, and James looked anxiously at his father. "Just be honest with her."

His son smiled grimly. After a few minutes, Michaela appeared. She looked dreadful, but Tommy saw the way her son's eyes lit up and then the sorrow in them. "Michaela, I'm sorry. Can we talk?"

The girl accepted the flowers and nodded then turned and left the room. James trailed after her. Tommy looked across as Felicity and shrugged. "Young love."

"Sit down while we wait. Fancy a drink?"

"Thank you Flic, but no. It's been a difficult night at home."

"I'm sorry to hear that. James is a lovely boy. You and Barbara have done a great job with him. When Michaela met him and said he was your son, I expected the worst."

Tommy raised his eyebrows. He and Flic had been lovers briefly at Oxford. "I don't recall complaints at the time."

"None. I thought James might be like you though and bed anything that moved. I made sure Michaela went on the Pill thinking it might develop, but James has been the perfect gentleman, much to her frustration."

"Good to hear," Tommy said then smiled awkwardly. He did not need to know details. "I hear Ralph Coddington was promoted again."

They continued to talk about their old friends. Tommy glanced at his watch and saw it was getting late. He was about to suggest fetching James when the young couple re-appeared holding hands. Tommy was pleased for his son.

"Mrs. Smythe, Dad. Michaela and I...I intend to stay here tonight."

Tommy groaned inwardly, but Flic smiled almost triumphantly. "You're more than welcome James if your father has no objection."

Tommy could see the defiant challenge in his son's eyes. "Matthew can back your schoolbag. I'll collect you at seven-thirty to take you to school. A quick word though please James."

"Sure."

He led his son into the hall and put his hand on his shoulder. "If things develop tonight, just remember what I told you."

"Yeah, I know, look after her above everything."

"It's important James. I'll see you in the morning." He turned and called out his farewell to the women.

* * *

Tommy arrived home just before midnight. The bunch of flowers James had insisted he buy for Barbara were still fresh, but their rosy scent seemed a long way from his mood. He was tired. In an ideal world, he would just cuddle up to Barbara and sleep, but this was far from a typical night. He sighed and went inside.

Barbara was still in the drawing room. "How's James?"

"He's staying with Michaela tonight," he said as he handed her the flowers.

"He's what?" Barbara threw the flowers onto the couch.

"They made up, and he came out and announced he was staying."

Barbara was shocked at her son's boldness. "What did Flic say?"

"She was pleased I think. Apparently he has been the perfect gentleman until now, which has created some tension I think." Tommy hoped that Barbara's even mood was a good sign. "Flic said she had expected him to be like me."

"Yes, well we all know your history."

Tommy caught the edge to her voice. "Exactly, history."

"I'm surprised he waited. He's been so keen on her I felt sure they must have been at it."

"Been at it? Even Matt, in his brashness, treats it with more solemnity."

"Matt?"

"With Jenny."

"Matt's sleeping with Jenny? Oh, Tommy!" He looked at her. "You knew, and you didn't tell me!"

"He came to me before his sixteenth birthday for advice. It's legal. He assured me the girl was already sixteen. He was going to do it with or without my blessing. I was proud of him for telling me and asking about technique rather than just experimenting."

"Does Margaret know?"

"Margaret? The housekeeper. She might, but I doubt it. Why?"

"Do you know who Jenny is?"

"Someone from school I presume."

"For a detective, you are dumb sometimes. She's Margaret's daughter! Matt's been keen on her for a while, but I didn't know he was shagging her! For pity's sake!"

"Ah." Tommy might not have been so keen had he known.

Barbara stood up and stomped around the room, somewhat aimlessly. "That weekend, when we went to Howenstowe with Margaret and left Matt here. You set that up didn't you? Did our son have sex in our bed?"

"I didn't know it was Jenny Sonners I swear. I told him no parties and no sex anywhere except his room, and not to leave evidence. I thought it was better than having them sneaking somewhere or having hasty sex in a park." Tommy could see that was not reassuring his wife.

"I can't do this now! I'm going to bed. You can sleep here or in the bloody park for all I care! I'll deal with our over-sexed sons in the morning."

"They're not over-sexed. They're teenage boys."

"Oh, I suppose you'll tell me Eden's shagging the cat next! With your blessing!"

"We don't have a cat." He ducked as the remote control for the television flew past his ear, crashing into the grand piano. Barbara stormed from the room. He stood trying to think about what to say next when he heard their bedroom door slam shut. They had never let the night settle on an argument. He would give her some time to calm down then go up and talk to her. He poured a double Scotch then headed for the kitchen to put the flowers in water.

The fridge door was open, and Eden was standing in the light taking a slug from the milk carton. "What are you doing up young man?" he asked as happily as he could. "And what have we said about not drinking straight from the cartons?"

"I heard you and Mum shouting."

Tommy took a deep breath as he filled a vase with water from the tap. "It's a silly argument. We'll be okay. Do you want a glass?"

Eden nodded. "Are you getting a divorce?"

"No, we're not."

"But if you do, who gets me?" He had just turned thirteen, but he sounded five. Tommy had never seen his son cry unless he was physically hurt. To hear him sobbing now was too much; all the guilt of the night crashed in on him like a weight squeezing his chest. Tommy wrapped his arms around his son and held him tightly.

"You don't have to worry Eden, your mother and I will sort things out tomorrow."

"But if you can't, who gets me?" His son was insistent.

"If we can't resolve it, then I'll move out for a while, and you'll stay here with Mum and the boys. But it won't come to that."

"I want to go with you." The boy clung to him ferociously.

"I'm not going anywhere, Eden. I won't leave you, I promise."


	3. Chapter 3

The razor had left a nasty gash on his chin where he had hurriedly shaved. With a piece of toilet paper stuck on to try to stem the bleeding, Tommy dressed quickly. He had barely slept. He had intended to talk to Barbara but instead had spent the night with his youngest son. Eden, he realised only when he had seen him so upset, was their forgotten son. They had considered him low maintenance compared to James and Matt, who had had been boisterous and challenging in their own ways right from their first loud cries. Eden, by contrast, had been stress-free. Too comfortable Tommy now saw. His youngest, who looked like Barbara but had Tommy's build and hair, had merely fitted around everyone else. He had slept eight hours each night from the first day he was home from the hospital and had never misbehaved. He did well at school, had plenty of friends and was always happy. Nothing seemed to bother him.

Last night after Tommy took him back to his room he sat with him and for the first time ever talked to his son about his passions and fears. Tommy had not neglected his son. He spent time with him as he had with the others. He took him to sport and school, but Tommy had assumed, incorrectly, that football, cricket, and school were his life. He knew all about those, but he had no idea that Eden was interested in politics and social justice. His happy son worried passionately about unemployment, poverty, and social tensions. He had more informed and intelligent views about community policing than most of the government advisors Tommy was forced to endure every day. He had debated all sorts of issues with his son until they had fallen asleep in Eden's bed around four o'clock. He felt richer for it.

"Matt, have you got James' bag? Did he sms you what he needs?" Tommy grabbed a piece of toast and a glass of orange juice.

"All done Dad," his son replied, "where's Mum?"

"Still in bed, I think. I'll go up. It's Thursday so make sure Eden's got all his gym gear. He forgot his boots last week." Tommy moved close enough to whisper. "And tonight we have to talk about Jenny. You never said she was Mrs. Sonner's daughter."

Matt went red. "I thought you knew."

"Tonight," his father warned in his best 'you better have a good excuse' voice. He looked at the clock then called up the stairs, "Hurry up Eden, we have to pick your brother up in Chelsea in ten minutes."

Tommy knocked on his bedroom door. Barbara was still in bed. "Morning," he said carefully, "the boys are ready. I'll pick up James and drop them at school. Can you collect them this afternoon?"

"Yeah." Barbara sounded flat. It was unlike her to sleep in so Tommy knew she was suffering. He sat on the bed and took her hand.

"You never came up last night." It was an accusation and a statement of pain. Even though she had been angry, she had expected him to come to her and talk. When he had not come, she had cried herself to sleep.

"I was going to but..."

She pulled her hand away. "You drank instead."

"No! Eden was upset," he told her as he tried to put his arm around her. "I stayed up talking to him. He's a fascinating young man with views I never knew he had. I'll tell you tonight."

"Is he alright?"

"I think so." Tommy leant over and tried to kiss her, but she turned her face away. "Fine, be that way, but I want to sort this out, Barbara. I'll take tomorrow off. Maybe we could go away for a few days and talk? I love you and nothing that happened yesterday changes that."

"I'm tired, Tommy. I feel like a heavy blanket has been thrown over me, and I can't breathe."

"Dad! We're late!" Matt yelled up the stairs.

Barbara nodded towards the door. "Go, we'll talk tonight, but I'm still hurt and angry Tommy."

"I know. I'll ring you later." He squeezed her shoulder as a sign of affection.

* * *

As Assistant Commissioner, his job was mostly politics and bureaucracy. He hated it and as the day wore on he had reached a decision. He had just stepped out of a budget review when Maree, his secretary, came running up. "Sir, your wife rang. She wants you to ring her back urgently. It's about your son."

"Which one?"

"I'm not sure, but he has disappeared."

"Disappeared?"

Tommy reached his desk phone and punched Barbara's short-dial. She answered on the first ring. "What's happened?"

"The school rang. Eden never went back to class after the first recess this morning. They searched the grounds and informed James and Matt. I'm heading there now."

"Let's not panic yet. He might have just needed some time to himself or he might have been so tired he fell asleep somewhere."

"This is your fault Thomas Lynley. If anything happens to him, I swear I will tear you apart limb from limb with my bare hands."

"Nothing has happened to him."

"I'm glad you're so sure." She hung up leaving Tommy staring at the phone.

"Maree, send for DCI Nkata please!" he called out through the open door. Although it was highly unlikely, it was possible that his son had been kidnapped. Lynley's success rate in cleaning up criminal gangs meant he was not without enemies. Winston, his old constable, was the man he trusted most.

He paced the room while he waited. Winston knocked on the door. "You sent for me Sir?"

"Yes Winston, come in. I have a problem." Tommy went on to outline the basics. "Have you wrapped up the river murder?"

"Yes, Sir, only some paperwork but my team can manage that."

Tommy was proud of Winston. He had become a successful chief inspector with a high clearance rate. "Good. I think Barbara would be happy to have some help. I don't want to panic anyone about kidnapping because I think Eden has taken himself off somewhere, but we need to keep it in our minds as a possibility. Question his friends, see if they have any idea where he might go. I'll alert the staff at Howenstowe and ring my mother in case he goes to her."

"Is she still in that old people's home?"

"She calls it a retirement community. She has her own cottage set amongst the trees. It's much better than most of them."

"Right Sir, sorry. I'll head over to the school."

Tommy put his hand on Winston's shoulder as he steered him towards the door. "Thanks, Winston, I wouldn't trust anyone but you with this." Winston smiled weakly and fled. Tommy shook his head. Not much had changed.

* * *

Barbara was still in the Principal's office with James and Matt when Winston arrived. She was delighted to see him. It was Tommy's first right decision in days. "Oh Winston, thank goodness. They're just gathering together a few of his friends for us to speak to."

"He'll be okay Barb. If there was some trouble at home, he probably just needs some time to think."

"Eden's always been such a happy boy."

Matt leaned forward. "It's his brand Mum."

"Brand?"

"Yeah. James is the intellectual, I'm the practical one so he adopted happiness. But with everything yesterday and you two shouting so much, I don't think he can fake it today." Matt patted his mother on the arm. She knew he was trying to be comforting, but it felt condescending. She could feel her anger at the world growing rapidly.

"Your father said he was with him last night. That they had a real talk."

"Yeah but you weren't there this morning. I saw Eden's face when Dad came down. I think he blamed himself for you and Dad not sorting things out last night."

"Did he say that?"

"Yeah," James intervened, "when Dad dropped us off here he asked if he was going home to you. Dad said no, he had to work. After he drove off Eden was sure you would get a divorce. He said he'd stopped Dad going to you last night. He worships Dad. He doesn't want you splitting up."

"Oh for heaven's sake! Why do you three take one fight between us so seriously?"

"I'm sorry Mum. This is all my fault. I should never have shown you those photos."

Winston slipped from the room to check on the interviews with Eden's friends. The whole situation reminded him of when Barbara and Lynley were partners, bickering and squabbling all the time.

"As if Dad could score with Catherine's girlfriend!" Matt said to his brother. "You do know Catherine's gay?"

James pulled his phone from his pocket and checked the photos. "How did you know about the pictures?"

"The whole house knew! I snuck into your room and looked while you waited for Dad to get his wallet."

"You spied on me?"

"Boys stop it! This doesn't help Eden or me."

"Why would Dad be with her?" James murmured as he stared at his phone.

"For someone's who's so smart you can be dumb at times," Matt said. Barbara winced. She had used that line on their father frequently over the years.

"And I suppose you know Meathead."

"James!"

"Sorry Mum."

Matt sniggered at his brother. "Who's been the band's biggest fan for years? Who's having an enormous eighteenth party soon? Doesn't take Einstein to put two and two together."

"Enough, both of you."

Her boys folded their arms and sat sullenly staring ahead. She suddenly had sympathy for everyone who had worked with her and Tommy years ago. The sins of the father, and mother, may not be given by some deity, they were caused by genetics!

* * *

Tommy changed into jeans as soon as he got home. Winston had phoned to say they were leaving the school. He was sure Barbara would want to murder him, but first, they had to find Eden.

"Hi Dad," Matt said sullenly went the front door opened.

"Any news?" Tommy asked anxiously.

"We spoke to his friends. All they knew was that he had been reticent this morning and said he was going to the school library. He never came back. The librarian never saw him so we think he snuck out then." Barbara took a deep breath then continued. "I never thought he'd be the one to be so upset."

Tommy hugged his wife. "He's only young. His voice hasn't even broken yet. It shocked him, but he's a smart kid. He'll be okay."

Barbara did not return the embrace but being in Tommy's arms made her feel safer. "I know."

Tommy could see the animosity between his eldest boys. That was all he needed. "Right. Go up and change into jeans and trainers. I might need you to help look. Also, sit together and go through Eden's Facebook and anything else he might be on. See if you can find any clues to where he went. Winston, my PC in the study connects into the Met. See if we can find CCTV footage around the school when he disappeared and track him that way. Barbara, go and see if he took any of his clothes. I want to know if this was planned or spontaneous."

Winston soon had found where Eden had slipped out of school through a back fire door. He and Tommy were watching the footage when Barbara returned. "All his clothes are there."

"Good. We found him leaving the school at ten oh three. He went into Westminster Abbey and seems to have been there for about twenty minutes."

"Is he religious?" Winston asked.

"I didn't think so," Barbara replied, "but I'm beginning to think I don't know him at all."

Tommy put his arm around Barbara. "There, that's him heading up Whitehall towards Charing Cross."

The three of them traced Eden as he went into the tube station and boarded a train towards the west. They patiently checked each station and eventually found him at Paddington. He came up the stairs into the dome of the old station and bought a ticket from the machine. He then proceeded to the lockers where he took off his jacket and pink and black striped tie and folded them neatly before putting them into his backpack and into the locker. He then checked his wallet and went to the souvenir shop and bought a black hoodie with a motif that was too hard to see.

"What's he doing?" Winston asked.

"He's going to catch a train," Barbara replied. "Look there he goes, Platform 5. Where's that train going?"

Tommy typed a query into his PC. "Oxford, stopping at Reading and Slough."

"What's at Oxford?" Winston asked.

"My old college, maybe the Bodleian?" Tommy speculated, trying to think whether Eden had mentioned anything about Oxford last night.

"Winston, you stay here. That train left forty minutes ago so keep an eye out on each station. Tommy, we should drive to Oxford and pick him up."

"Good idea. I'll get the car. You tell the boys and see if they have any ideas."

Barbara climbed into the passenger seat and did up her seat belt. Despite the reason, it had felt good to work together with Tommy and Winston again. "A bit like old times," she said.

"Yes. Some real policing for a change instead of pushing pens and people around all day."

"Why didn't you tell me you were unhappy?"

"You were proud of me being Assistant Commissioner."

"I was proud of you when you were a DI too. Rank means nothing to me, Tommy. I only wanted you to succeed to satisfy your own ambitions."

"I know, but it seemed easier not to say anything. You were so busy with the boys and the estate and all your charity stuff."

"Because I need something. I'm bored Tommy. I miss this, being with you, solving crimes. Mind you when I get my hands on him…"

"No, you won't, we both know that. I miss this too. I liked helping people and bringing justice. Now I feel like I'm just a bureaucrat."

"I guess I should have noticed."

"I should have told you, and I should have seen you were unhappy too."

Barbara shrugged. "It's part of life."

"I went to see Hillier the other day. He's different now. It made me see that a lot of his issues were the job, the way it makes you behave."

"Another secret," she said bitterly. Tommy nodded guiltily. "Where did we drift apart? I never thought it would happen to us."

"Have we? I don't believe so. We just stopped telling each other things we thought would hurt the other."

"The wrong thing for the right reason?"

"Probably."

"I'm still angry with you. Deep down inside I want to yell and scream and throw things."

"Yes, I know. All the little things build up don't they?"

Barbara closed her eyes and sighed. She felt mentally exhausted. "There are so many things we should talk about. We can't just sweep it all under the rug."

"I took tomorrow off. We should go away, just the two of us. I still love you, Barbara. I still want to spend my life with you. We can fix this. We just need to get our family back together and reassure them."

"Maybe I need time. Maybe a break away for a few days by myself to think about it all."

"If that's what you want," he said woodenly. Tommy's mouth went dry, and the colour drained from his face. At no time over the last two days had she said she loved him. A cringing feeling of déjà vu crept over him. Her words sounded eerily similar to Helen's went she left him. They drove in silence to Oxford.

* * *

Winston was on the phone giving Barbara instructions. He had seen Eden heading up George Street from Oxford station but had lost him at a point where three CCTV cameras were down. "I'll keep looking Barb, but you might have to do it the old fashioned way."

"Cameras are down. Winston last had him on George Street about twenty minutes ago."

Tommy parked the car in a back street and placed his police pass in the window. "We'll try the Bodleian first," he said coolly.

Barbara knew that he had pulled up a barrier between them. She had not wanted that, but her head was swimming in conflicting emotions. She still blamed Tommy for everything that had brought their world crashing down. "Fine. Lead on."

No one had seen Eden, and a search of the library confirmed it. "He's not here," Barbara said frantically. She had assumed it was the most logical place he would go.

Tommy had also assumed he would have found his son by now. "I'll try Exeter. Call Winston back and see if he picked anything up. I'll meet you here in twenty minutes unless I find him, then I'll call you."

Exeter also drew a blank as had Winston. They sat glaring at each other at a table outside the King's Arms, both obviously worried and both angry with Eden and the whole situation. "Think Tommy. You talked to him for hours did he say anything?"

"No! The only mention of Oxford was about when I was here." Tommy remembered something he had told his son. "I might know. I told him where I used to go to think. Maybe he's gone there."

"Come on then, let's go."

"No, if he has gone there then I need to do this alone. He wants me to find him."

Barbara nodded. "I'll wait here."

"Okay. I'll call you in ten minutes if he's not there. Otherwise, I'll bring him back." Tommy tried to sound confident but he only hoped he was not too late.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note:** Thanks for your reviews. I can't always answer them, but I do enjoy reading your reactions. As the writer, it is great to see people emotionally invested in the characters I create or shape.

* * *

As soon as Tommy was out of sight of Barbara, he began to jog then run towards the River Cherwell. "The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children," he muttered thinking of Launcelot strutting arrogantly upon the stage,* "for, truly, I think you are damned." Tommy knew if anything had happened to Eden it was he who was damned.

Despite appearances, life at Oxford for Tommy had not just been study, women and copious amounts of alcohol. He had struggled to deal with the death of his father and the estrangement from his family. John Corntel may have saved him at Eton but at university, Tommy had been gifted with too much time to contemplate the meaning of his life. Last night he had told Eden about coming to the river and sitting for hours. When Eden had asked, with wisdom beyond his years, if he had ever thought about drowning himself Tommy had been honest. He had, but he had lacked the courage.

Now he cursed himself. How would a boy of thirteen recognise those signs unless he had thought about it himself? Had he been so blind that he had never noticed his youngest son had a sensitive soul? He reached the far side of Magdalen Bridge and descended the slippery path to the river. He frantically searched for the little wooden bridge that was well-hidden from casual sight and spanned the smaller branch of the river to the small island that had been his sanctuary. Tommy stepped carefully over broken boards then ran through the high grass of the meadow to the spot under drooping willows and oaks that he had described to his son. There was no sign of Eden.

"Eden!"

Tommy ran on a little way and found his black hoodie neatly folded on top of his shoes. He went numb. Thoughts and fears swirled in his head, but he could not think what to do. He sank to his knees calling out for his son.

"Dad!"

Tommy looked around and saw his son wading in the shallows of the river. He ran straight into the water and swept him into a hug. His son's heart pounded against his chest. "Eden, you had us all so worried."

His son gripped him like Tommy was his lifeline. They stood knee deep in the cold water and cried together until Tommy led his son back to the shore. "I have to ring Mum and let her know you're safe."

Eden shook his head then looked up at his father and nodded. Tommy's hand shook as he tried to unlock his phone. She answered immediately. "I've got him. He's fine, but we might be a little while."

"Why? Is he upset?" Barbara demanded.

"A bit. I just want to talk to him." Tommy rang off before Barbara could argue with him.

Eden was pulling on his socks and shoes. "Mum's here? In Oxford?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Did she come up with you?"

"Yes. Why were you in the river?"

"To see how cold it was."

"Too cold to go bathing at this time of year."

"Yeah, I guess. It sent my feet to sleep. If you lay down, you'd stop being cold; you'd just drift off."

Tommy sat beside him and put his arm around his shoulder. How do you ask your child if he is suicidal? "You know you can tell me anything, anytime, Eden. I won't judge you, but I want to help if I can."

His son looked up through bleary eyes and nodded. "Yeah."

"Why did you come up here?"

"Dunno." Eden sat on the grass with his knees bent. He put his forearms on them and looked at the ground between his feet.

Tommy waited, hoping he would offer more. "I think you do," he said encouragingly.

"In class, I couldn't concentrate. The school was too noisy. I wanted somewhere quiet. I went to Westminster Abbey, but they had school groups running everywhere. It was loud too. I remembered what you said about coming here to think. You're right, the trees and the birds and the river...they're peaceful."

"What did you think about?" Tommy asked gently.

"You and Mum mostly. How you both pretend to be happy when you're not."

The stark observation shocked Lynley. "Is that what you do? Pretend you're happy when you're not?"

Eden nodded his head. "Sometimes."

"Oh son, you don't have to put on a facade for us. We're your parents. Part of our job description is sharing your pain, helping to make it better."

"I wasn't going to…drown myself. I just wanted time alone to feel sad. I can't do that at home or school."

Tommy sighed with relief, but his son's words still broke his heart. "Eden, everyone feels sad sometimes. You don't have to hide that from us. I've always wondered how you could always be so happy. I hoped it was a natural gift, but we don't expect you to protect us that way. Your Mum and I have survived your brothers; I think we can cope."

"And I needed to know if you'd work it out."

"Was it a test to see if I love you?"

Eden continued to stare at the ground. "No, not really. I just needed to see if you understood."

Tommy recognised that he needed to spend more time with Eden. His low-maintenance son needed him to show more love. "Oh Eden, I do understand. You and I have a lot more in common than you realise."

"I know that Dad."

Tommy put his other arm around him and pulled him into a tight hug. "I love you, Eden. I'm always going to be here for you while ever I have breath in my body."

"I feel guilty Dad."

Tommy pulled back so he could see his son's face. He looked tired somehow old or world-weary. It had been the same look Barbara had given him last night. "Why? You've done nothing wrong."

"I should have been stronger so you could go and talk to Mum. I felt guilty because..."

"You kept me from her? You didn't. It was my choice."

"No, because I enjoyed it. Because I wanted you to myself."

"There's nothing wrong with that. I wanted time alone with my dad too. I'll make more time for us in future, I promise."

"What about Mum?"

"She loves you too."

"I know, but you can't neglect her just to spend time with me."

Tommy rocked his son in his arms. "I'll make more time for everyone, especially your mother. You know I love her?"

"Yeah. She loves you too; when she's not mad at you."

"I think we should go and find her don't you before she's mad at both of us?"

"Yeah, it's her red hair," he informed his father matter-of-factly, making Tommy smile.

They picked their way across the grass then up the steep embankment to the bridge. Tommy had his arm around his son's shoulders. In a few months Eden would probably squirm with embarrassment, but now it felt right.

"Dad?" Eden asked as they approached the Bodleian.

"Yes, son?"

"Do you remember when you said you looked at Mum, and she smiled, and you knew you loved her?"

Tommy smiled at the memory. "You never forget that."

"Then make her smile again, Dad."

* * *

Barbara paced nervously. After the phone call from Tommy, she had called Winston and the boys then went into the pub and bought two pints and a half of lemonade. Now they were getting warm on the table. Eventually, she saw them round the corner. "Eden!"

The boy smiled and ran into her outstretched arms. "I'm sorry, Mum."

"You worried five years off my life but you're safe, that's all that matters." She noticed Tommy's wet shoes and trousers and questioned him with her eyes. He frowned in a promise to tell her later.

It took two hours in the late afternoon traffic to reach London. Barbara had sat in the back cuddling her son while Tommy drove in silence.

Michaela had come over to their house, as had Jenny and Mrs. Sonners, who had organised meals for everyone. Eden looked sheepish when his brothers came over and gave him hugs then proceeded to start one of their three-way wrestling matches. Barbara watched the two girls watching their boyfriends and giggling. It reminded her of the way she had once looked at Tommy. On cue, his arm came over her shoulder. She wanted to lean into him, but too much had happened. He seemed like a stranger.

Winston shook their hands and accepted their thanks then left them with their family. "Good luck, Sir," he said to Tommy on the doorstep. "You have a great family. I hope you and Barb can work things out."

Tommy closed his eyes as he stood on the step. Everyone could see something he seemed to me missing. Cars and people were moving on the street as if nothing was different. Life was continuing around him while his felt as if his was spiralling out of control. He blew a long breath out as he tried to think about how to fix it. At least Eden was safe, and everyone was together.

He came inside just as Barbara was organising the tribe. "Come on you three. Let's get ready for dinner. Eden, I think you should take a shower first. How long Mrs. Sonners?"

"Fifteen minutes. Matt, you can help Jenny set the table."

"Wonders will never cease," Tommy murmured as his son dutifully and willingly trailed mother and daughter to the dining room.

"He's in love. It's funny watching your kids grow up."

"I'll talk to him later about it being our employee's daughter."

Barbara turned and gave him a look of despair. "That doesn't worry me! It's the thought they might have been shagging in our bed and that you aided and abetted him. Margaret obviously knows they're sweet on each other, but I don't know if she'd approve of him sleeping with her."

"They're sixteen. They'd do it regardless of what any of us say. I think it's better he thought about it and took responsibility. At his age, I was much more worried about myself than any partner. I took a lot longer to work all that out."

"You weren't in love. You were just playing the field."

"Not at sixteen. No one wanted me then."

"What makes you think anyone wants you now?" She had said it as a joke, but she saw his reaction. She could not have hurt him more if she had stabbed him a thousand times.

"I'm going to change my clothes."

"Tommy, wait! I'm sorry. It was a joke." If he heard, he did not reply. Barbara screwed up her face in frustration. They had always been able to talk and joke, now everything they said to each other was traumatic.

* * *

Dinner was superficially a regular family gathering. James and Matt seemed to be talking again but spent more time focussed on their girls. Eden was his usual happy self which worried Tommy, while he and Barbara were role-playing being dedicated parents. He grimaced; they were both devoted parents, but they were no longer a loving couple. He was as angry with Barbara now as she had been with him. He looked at James and felt a surge of resentment. Until those photos, everything may not have been perfect in his life, but he had been content enough.

Tommy drove Michaela and the Sonners home. By the time he had returned the boys were in their rooms. He checked on them all. Matt was trying to better his score on a video game while James was studying. Eden was sitting on his bed staring out the window.

Tommy sat beside him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Are you?"

"Of course. We all just need a good night's sleep." When Eden put his hand on Tommy's forearm and squeezed it knowingly he had to fight back tears. He hugged his son until he was calm. He kissed him on the head. "Sleep well; I'll see you in the morning. You know where we are if you need us."

"Will you be on the sofa again?"

"No, I won't."

Barbara was in their bedroom changing into her pyjamas. He looked at her disdainfully. Tommy was sleeping in his bed tonight, and if Barbara did not like it, _she_ could sleep on the lounge. "The boys are all settled. I'm having a shower," he informed her.

"I want to talk to Eden."

Tommy shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever."

He stood under the steaming water as long as he could. It was relaxing, but it also delayed any unpleasant confrontations with Barbara. He cleaned his teeth then dressed in his pyjamas, the first time he had dressed in the bathroom since their marriage.

"What happened today? Why were you all wet?" Barbara was sitting on the end of their bed staring at him as he stepped from the tiles onto the carpet.

"Why? What did Eden say?"

"That Dad came to save him."

"I found his shoes and hoodie piled neatly on the bank. Eden was in the water." He made no attempt to sugar-coat the implication.

Barbara let out a strangled cry. "Oh god! Was he…?"

"He said he didn't intend to drown himself. He wanted to be alone where he could think and not have to pretend to be happy. I honestly don't know what would have happened. Is he okay now?"

"Yes, he was reading. He didn't want to talk to me about it."

"We'll keep a close eye on him. If we need to, we'll take him to see someone."

"And make him think there's something wrong with him?"

"No, to make him see what he feels is normal."

"Only as a last resort Tommy."

"Agreed."

"Matt said today that being happy was Eden's brand. That James was the intellectual; he was the practical one, and so Eden had chosen to be happy as a way of fitting in. What did we do to those kids that they think they need roles? That they need to be something other than themselves to fit into our family? Have we failed Tommy?"

Tommy sat on the bed next to her. "No, we haven't failed. No parents are perfect. The boys are okay, Barbara. We understand James and Matt because they're like us. We never actually took the time to know Eden, but he understands us. He sees right through us. He was aware that we weren't happy."

"I didn't want to be unhappy," Barbara told him truthfully, "I don't know where it went wrong."

"I didn't think I was unhappy, apart from work. You and the boys kept me going, gave me meaning."

She smiled weakly at him. "You gave me meaning too. Do you remember that night?"

How could he forget? He nodded and smiled nostalgically. "Yes, before I had realised I was in love with you."

"That was the first time I thought you might be."

"Really?" He smiled at her with love for the first time since their fight. "And then Helen came back and everything changed."

Barbara saw his face fall and the bad memories flash across his eyes. "Nothing changed," she reassured him "You'd have never been free to love me, even if you'd have divorced Helen. Sometimes things just have to happen."

Tommy took a deep breath and sighed. "If you want me to leave, I will, but only after James' exams. We can't do that to him. He feels guilty already."

"It's not his fault. He just exposed cracks that were already there."

"How did we let that happen? I still love you, Barbara."

"I know. It wouldn't hurt so much if we didn't still love each other."

Tommy put his arm around her and was relieved when she turned her face into his shoulder. He pulled her back onto the bed. Her arms came around him as he embraced her. They held each other, saying nothing but breathing life back into their marriage.

"I'm getting cold," Barbara eventually said.

Tommy did not want the moment to end. It had been peaceful and without judgement so he was pleased when she snuggled up to him under the covers. He kissed the top of her head. Barbara rewarded him with a sigh. "Let's go away for the weekend. I took tomorrow off."

"What about the boys?" she asked sleepily.

"They can look after themselves."

"I'm worried about Eden."

"He needs this as much as we do. It's time we looked after each other for a change."

* * *

*The Merchant of Venice, Act III. Scene V. Launcelot to Jessica.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** Your reviews have been very moving. As a writer, I am pleased that I have been able to create a story and characters that you relate to, but it also saddens me that I have stirred up some difficult memories for some of you. Take care.

* * *

When Barbara woke, Tommy was not in bed. She sat up trying to recall the night before. She remembered going to sleep with his breath in her hair and his arm locked tightly around her waist. There had still been an unspoken tension between them, but their fears for Eden and the future had taken them to the only place they ever felt safe - each other's arms.

The house was quiet, and the street lights shone around the edges of the curtains. She glanced at the clock - five twenty. She groaned and lay down. When Tommy did not return in a few minutes, she reluctantly climbed from the bed and went searching for him. She had assumed he had gone to the bathroom, but it was empty. She had looked in the kitchen and spare room before she saw the light under his study door.

"Hiya," she said sleepily, "what are doing here at this hour?"

"Booking a cottage for us."

"I don't know Tommy. We can't just leave the boys, especially Eden."

"We can and we are. We need time together Barbara."

"To do what? Sit and talk?"

"In part, but we just need to hang."

"We need to hang? We're not LA homeboys Tommy."

He laughed. "I know, but we don't have to go with a set itinerary. I can't imagine just sitting down and formally going through a list of issues. It has to happen organically. So we hire a cottage, near a pub, and somewhere where we can go for walks or take a drive then have dinner and a few drinks."

"All I want to do is sleep."

"We can do that too. Three days, no phones..."

"What if the boys need us?"

"We'll check in morning and night, and Mrs. Sonners can stay here. You need a break and so do I. Please, Barbara?"

"I can't," she said flatly.

"Why not?" Tommy did not try to hide his disappointment.

Sometimes her husband could be incredibly selfish. "I'm worried about the mental health of my son."

His immediate reaction was to be dismissive, but if they were going to communicate more efficiently, arguing was not the best way. "Tell me what you're feeling Barbara?"

"Stop trying to sound like a shrink."

"I'm not. I only want to understand why you're so concerned."

"Neither of you will tell me what happened in that river, but I'm worried that our thirteen-year-old son tried to kill himself."

"He didn't."

"I know he didn't succeed but did he try? You said yourself you didn't know what would have happened."

"He didn't try, but I think he thought about it."

"That's what I mean. He's not well."

"Oh Barbara, Mental health is just like our physical health. Sometimes we could run a marathon and other times we can barely put on foot in front of the other. We don't expect people to be physically well all the time, but we can't accept it when someone is mentally a bit out of sorts. We're all affected by life at times, and our mental health suffers to varying degrees. We shouldn't label Eden because of one bad day. We should nurture and protect him just as we would if he had a cold. We'll soon see if it's serious."

"Then all the more reason to be here."

"No," Lynley said firmly, shaking his head, "at the river when I asked him what he was thinking about that made him sad, he talked about us. The best way to help him is to make an effort to salvage our marriage. He can see through tokenism. The kid seems to know us better than we know ourselves. If we go away, he'll see that we both want to get back to where we were. He needs us to at least try Barbara. You do want to save our relationship, don't you?"

A rapid nod of her head confirmed it. "Where were you thinking?"

"The Cotswolds."

* * *

They agreed not to discuss anything personal on the drive up. Instead, they talked about the things they always did, the boys, the estate, and Barbara's charities. It felt like safe ground, and they snapped back into their habitual patterns very quickly. It seemed oddly normal. Tommy could tell Barbara was more comfortable than she had been in days and he wondered when they had started to settle for ordinariness instead of the stimulating conversations and disagreements they had shared for years.

The small, grey, four-roomed Georgian cottage stood on a small rise just outside the village where a row of similar cottages lined the road. The central hall divided the bedroom on the right from the cosy lounge room opposite. Timber logs sat in the hearth ready for a snug fire in the evening. A doorway led from the soft blues of the bedroom into a crisp, white, modern bathroom with a deep bath that caught Barbara's eye. The fourth room was a country style kitchen, equipped with copper pots and pans hanging on a rail over a central wooden chopping block. Tommy eyed the knives lined up on the magnetic strip on the wall beside the old-fashioned wood stove and unconsciously rubbed his neck.

"This is satisfactory for a few days."

"Yeah, it's nice," Barbara said wearily as she flopped into a soft leather lounge chair. Now they were here she knew she would be expected to clarify feelings for which she had no explanation.

"What about lunch then a walk up the hill?"

"Maybe I should unpack."

"We bought a holdall with about three things in it. I don't think it will burden us tonight to unpack before dinner."

Barbara could not delay any further. "Lead on."

Tommy locked the cottage. As they walked into the village, he wanted to take her hand, but he thought that might be too forward, so he shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. He hated second guessing actions that even a week ago would have been spontaneous. "I wonder if they have shepherd's pie?"

"It's probably a trendy gastro pub with vegan sausages." The lack of physical contact that had once been automatic disturbed her. Tommy had always been demonstrative and caring, now he seemed distant, almost aloof.

He drank three pints with lunch which was more than he had intended. Barbara matched him and so they were pleasantly light-legged when he found the trail that wound up the hill. He had read that the views were idyllic. He was as nervous as Barbara as they climbed in silence but near the top, when the path became rocky and slippery, he took her hand. It seemed ridiculous that after being partners in one sense or another for almost thirty years, they were both anxious about talking to each other but the events of the last few days had shaken them. He had promised himself that he would not bring up anything today unless Barbara did. He wanted to give them space to reconnect. Holding her hand was a start.

"Wow!" Barbara surveyed the rolling green hills that stretched endless around them. Lines of trees followed the small rivers and mottled grey dry-stone walls delineated the fields sprinkled with the fluffy white dots of grazing sheep.

"Yes, it's quite beautiful," Tommy agreed. Barbara's face was flushed from the beer and the climb. Her cheeks were rosy, and her smile made her eyes sparkle. "Like you."

"Me? Hardly. I'm getting old and unfit. My face is all lined, and I feel every bit of sixty."

"You're not sixty yet, not until next year. None of that matters, though; you still enchant me." Tommy bent down and kissed her softly.

Barbara turned away. "Don't Tommy. We can't just come away, have sex on a hill and go back to the way we were."

"I never mentioned anything about sex on the hill. It has some appeal, but I think those days might be past me." He sat on a log that had fallen in a long-forgotten storm and patted the spot next to him. Barbara sat down and stared out towards the north.

"Humph," she grunted.

Tommy frowned at her. "Is that what's bothering you?"

"Partly." She stretched her arms in front of her. "It feels like you've...lost interest."

He put his arm around her and ran his hand up and down her arm. "I haven't, I promise. I'm just exhausted, mentally and physically. When we have sex I'm not interested in some quick physical release; it's about making love to you, worshipping you. So when I don't feel up to it, I'd rather just snuggle up to you and connect that way."

Barbara took a deep breath. He held her close every night, and she knew he loved her. She felt guilty for wanting more but despite his company she often felt lonely. She wanted to have what they had once had; she wanted to feel his desperation to have her, not the comfortable knowledge that she would always be there. "Sometimes that's not enough Tommy. I want to be your friend, but I need to be your lover too. I want to feel your body respond to mine, for your hands and lips to revere me like they used to. Now it feels...functional."

Her words were heartfelt which made them more distressing. He could understand now why she had doubted his fidelity. "Oh Barbara, I'm sorry. It never feels functional to me. Nothing makes me happier than the way you kiss me, the way you make love to me. It's as if I'm the only man in the world."

"You are the only man. For me anyway. So you should understand what I miss."

Tommy took his arm away from her and rested his elbows on his thighs while he considered how to respond. "Yes, I can, and it tears me apart to think I've taken that from you. I...I thought I was doing the same for you. I want to. Every time, I want you to be part of me. What do they say? Two bodies, one entity. I still love you, Barbara, just as much as I ever did. More. Maybe I should see a doctor?"

"Maybe you should start by telling me why you're so tired. You always seemed to have plenty of energy, taking the boys to soccer and getting up early to go to work. I just assumed it was me. You never told me you were exhausted. Why did you stop sharing things like that?"

"To protect you. I knew you were working hard. I see how tired you are lately, and I knew you'd just try to take on more of my load for me."

"And since when was the load divided into yours and mine? There's one load and we both share it. Sometimes one of us will carry more and other times it will be the other one. It worked that way for twenty-eight years. Why did you change it unilaterally in the last year or two?"

Tommy shrugged and shook his head. "I don't know. Pride? I didn't want to tell you I wasn't coping well."

"Why not? I'm your wife, Tommy. I love you. We're supposed to share our insecurities as well as success."

"I thought you would notice. You used to. I think I was waiting for you to ask."

"To prove I still cared?"

"No...yes, I don't know. I just expected you to know; like you always did."

"You seemed so determined to do a good job as AC. At first, I just thought you were putting that before me. I thought it would even out, but it never did."

"I hate being AC! I'm only a politician and go-between. I've never been good at obeying stupidity, and now I have to swallow it every day and tug my forelock. I joined the police because I believed in justice. I wanted to help. I did when I was still a detective, even as Commander I was still

solving crimes. That's what I'm good at, not all this bureaucratic nonsense."

"Yeah, I can understand that. You said something about Hillier the other day."

"I went to see him. He's different now, less bitter. He warned the job could do the same to me. Do you think it has?"

"No, but's changed you. You used to tell me things, let me help you. Now you just grunt when I ask what you did, how your day was. I can only take so much grunting before I understand it's none of my business. So yeah, I stopped caring in some ways because I was stung by the way you excluded me. I thought...well you know."

Tommy looked at her. He could see the old flicker of class differences. "No! Never."

"I thought maybe you didn't think I'd understand. That I was too Acton to be the AC's wife."

He felt a disproportionate rage boiling. He wanted to scream at her. He tried to stay calm. "If you're acceptable to be my Countess and mother to my sons, why the bloody hell would you think I would believe that you were not good enough to be an AC's wife?" Tommy added an expletive that made her look up.

"That's my insecurity," she snapped, "at least I shared it."

Tommy took a long, deep breath. "I'm sorry…but you know that still infuriates me."

"I'm sorry. That was unfair. I need to be part of your life, Tommy. A real part, not an appendage that signs charity cheques and attends school meetings that you avoid."

"You are my life!"

Barbara looked at her husband and knew it was true. He was torturing himself trying to be everything he thought was expected of him. "Retire."

"What?"

"Take early retirement. You're eligible, and we don't need your salary. If you hate it, give it up. You don't have to prove anything to yourself or me. You won't make Commissioner; we both know that. You stayed working with me too long. So quit. We can keep busy and if you're not as tired...well who knows."

"What about the boys? What message does that send them?"

"That work doesn't define us, and that family and happiness are more important. You've set a good example of working hard for long enough for them to understand."

"You wouldn't mind? Having me under your feet for the next twenty or thirty years?"

Barbara smiled mischievously. "No, it'd be like old times. We can find things to do. We have to stay in London until Eden's at university, but we could travel more, go to Howenstowe more, maybe live down there part of the year. We could always write that crime story you used to talk about. I don't want to turn around in ten or fifteen years and find we're too old to enjoy our life together."

Barbara put her hand on his knee, and Tommy closed his eyes. "I think I'd like that."

She leant over and kissed him tenderly. "We should get back to the cottage. You can light that fire."

Tommy grinned as they walked arm-in-arm down the hill thinking of another fire he wanted to ignite.

* * *

Eden waited anxiously at the door for his parents. On the phone, they had sounded happier, and he was hoping the three days away had helped. Apart from one mention of a walk up the hill, it did not sound as if they had done anything except go to the pub and sit around the cottage. It sounded dull, but hopefully they had talked.

"Hello son," Tommy said as he stood with the key poised to go into the lock. Eden had apparently heard them and opened the door. Somehow Barbara ducked underneath him and was first to embrace their son. Tommy ruffled his hair as they piled inside. The older boys were trying hard to look casual as they loitered in the lounge room.

"Good trip?" Eden asked as innocently as he could.

Tommy put his arm around Barbara and gave her a quick kiss. "Excellent. We had...fun."

Eden's smile would have powered Las Vegas for a week. He hugged both his parents hard. "I'm happy for you." Barbara looked over his head at Tommy and grinned at their wise little man. She beckoned to James and Tommy had grabbed Matt's collar pulling him into a family crush. The relief in the room was palpable.

When James' and Matt took Eden to soccer and they went up to their room. "The boys accepted your news well," she said.

"I think they were all relieved to see their parents happy, even Mr. Nonchalance."

"So am I. Happy we're happy."

"Eloquently put," he said cheekily.

Barbara tossed a pillow at him, and Tommy raised his eyebrows. "They'll be gone for two hours..." Her lips were on his before he could finish his suggestion.

* * *

 **Epilogue**

Barbara and James' almost fell off the stage into Tommy's arms. Their faces gave him all the thanks he needed. They were supposed to sing one song with the Wombats, but everyone had had such fun, including the band, that they had rocked out three. Booking the band had caused unrest, but it had been the catalyst for so many positive things in the family. "Happy birthday James!" he said as he passed him a beer.

"Thanks, Dad," he replied as he headed off to find Michaela.

"He'll get drunk if you keep giving him a beer."

"He's only eighteen once, and his exams are over. Let him blow off some steam. We can nurse him tomorrow."

"You can clean up if he makes a mess."

"I might get drunk and make a mess myself," he replied as he pulled her into his arms.

"Don't," she warned before she kissed him passionately, "I have other plans for you, M'lord. But first the bathroom."

Tommy shook his head as he watched his wife dancing her way through the crowd. He did not miss the Met. He had finished up last week, and all the kind words had meant nothing to him except for Winston's. His old constable had stood up in front of dozens at his farewell bash and talked about Tommy's two great loves, solving crime and Barbara, who Winston quipped varied in importance depending on how much they were bickering. The more they bickered, he argued, the quicker the crimes were solved, and the more Winston had seen the connection they shared that went far beyond love. Barbara had gripped Tommy's hand so tight during the speech that Tommy had feared he might never have use of it again. It seemed fitting that his career was remembered as being intertwined with Barbara.

Since they had reconciled, they had been reminded so many times about the depth of their love; it scared Tommy to think that it had almost floated away. He glanced over and saw Eden sitting at the edge of the room, wiggling his fingers in a shy little wave. Tommy followed his gaze. He was waving at Michaela's younger sister. Eden looked up and saw him watching then put his head down.

"Having fun?" Tommy asked as he sat next to his son.

"Yeah."

"Why don't you ask Emma to dance? There are not too many boys her age here."

"Nah, I think she fancies Matt, but he's slow dancing with Jenny. And it's a fast song!"

Tommy ruffled his son's hair. "You never know if you don't ask."

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"For sorting things out with Mum. She's happy now."

"So am I."

"Dad? Remember when we were at the river?"

Tommy wondered what his son was going to say. "Yes," he said cautiously.

"When you arrived I worked it out. It's a lot harder to stand up than to lie down and just go with the current. No matter how much we want to, we can't give up can we Dad? We have to stand firm because that's the only way we can move on."

Tommy wrapped his arms around his son and buried his face in his hair. "My precious little philosopher."

Eden wriggled to free himself. "Dad! We're in public! Emma might be watching."

* * *

 **After note:** I started writing this story with a very different ending in mind. I had intended for Eden to have tried to kill himself and for Barbara to leave Tommy because she could not forgive him for telling her son about the river and his demons. My final scene was Eden finding Tommy in his study writing a letter, with his revolver on the desk beside him. I intended to leave you with Tommy going to find Barbara after Eden delivered a similar statement about standing firm, letting you decide how it ended. In many ways it would have been a better storyline but as Tess points out this is fan fiction and we all want happy endings, me included.


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